Seperation...

So, I haven't blogged in a really long time. It's not because I haven't had much that I could talk about, but I guess I've been just busy. In my "e-absence" I've been having a lot of... life lessons...I guess that's what they're called. It certainly can be called the "trial of my faith", without a doubt!

So, right now i'm going through a "separation" of sorts. One of my highest dreams has been sacrificed, and to be honest, it kind of hurts. I am resolved however, that if this has to be the way, well then let it be. I feel like "Much Afraid" from the book Hinds Feet on High Places. You know, on her quest to find a new name, and a home in the mountains. So many times, it would seem as if she were on her way to the high places only to reach an impossible impasse, or dangerous precipice, all seemingly impossible and impassable situations. And with every dissappointment, she had to somehow find courage and faith to follow the path that was chosen for her, by the Shepherd, although it seemed she would NEVER reach her goal. After many of these "situations" look at this conversation that she had with the Shepherd, I found it quite mind blowing...

The laughter died down on his face, and very seriously he asked, "Do you love me enough to be able to trust me completely, Much-Afraid?"

She looked at him in the usual startled fashion so natural to her whenever she sensed that he was preparing her for a new test, then faltered, "You know that I do love you Shepherd, as much as my cold little heart is capable. You know that I love you and that I long to trust you as much as I love you, that I long both to love and trust you still more."

"Would you be willing to trust me," he asked, "even if everything in the wide world semed to say that I was deceiving you - indeed that I had deceived you all along?"

She looked at him in perplexed amazement. "Why, yes, " she said, "I'm sure I would, because one thing I know to be true, it is impossible that you should tell a lie. It is impossible that you should deceive me. I know that I am often very frightened at the things which you ask me to do, " she added shamefacedly and apologetically, "But I could never doubt you in that way. It's myself I am afraid of, never of you, and though everyone in the world should tell me that you had deceived me, I should know it was impossible.

"O Shepherd," she implored, don't tell me that you think I really doubt you, even when I am most afraid and cowardly and dispicably weak. You know - you know I trust you. In the end I know I shall be able to say thy gentleness hath made me great."

He said nothing for a little, only looked down very tenderly, almost pitifully at the figure now crouching at his feet. Then, after a time, he said very quietly, "Much-Afraid, supposing I really did deceive you? What then?

(WOW! How would you respond to that????)

It was then her turn to be quite silent, trying to grasp this impossible thing he was suggesting and to think what her answer would be. What then? Would it be that she could never trust, never love him again? Would she have to be alive in the world wher there was no Shepherd, only a mirage and a broken lovely dream? To know that she had been deceived by one she was certion could not deceive? To lose him?

Suddenly she burst into a passion of weeping, then after a little while looked straight up into his face and said, "my Lord - if you can deceive me, you may. It can make no difference. I must love you as long as I continue to exist. I cannot live without loving you."

He laid his hands on her head, then with a touch more tender and gentle than anything she had ever felt before, repeated as though to himself, "If I can, I may deceive her." Then without another word he turned and went away.

Much-Afraid picked up a little icy-cold pebble which was lyong on the ground where he had stood, pit it in her bag, then tremblingly rejoined Sorrow and Suffering and they continued their journey.

Wow!! But this begs the question? Can God, would God, deceive us? No, I don't think he would. Like the scripture says he cannot lie. But sometimes, he opens a door and leads us along, and we think we're going one place, but really he has in mind that we should go elsewhere. But, he doesn't bother to tell us along the way, that we're really not going to the place where we thought we were going, but eventually we start to see the signs. But this has reminded me of a song that we sing often, "God's Way is Best"...

"He leadeth through I will not question, though through the valley I may go
Thy loving hand will truly guide me, and safe to glory bring my soul..."

Sometimes I think i'm like Much-Afraid in a LOT of ways. I know exaclty how she feels when she was saying how unfathomable it was to imagine a world where there was no Shepherd to love. I would rather choose to love him, through impossible situations, than to choose to leave him because I felt that he'd deceived me.

So i say all that, to say this....

Lord, I choose to trust you, even if it seems that you're leading me AWAY from what I thought was the promise. I may cry, and hurt a little bit, but please don't mistake that for ingratitude, or doubt. I love you more today than ever before, and cannot imagine life without you.

Yours truly,

Jackie