Just one of those days...

So, today was one of THOSE days. Have you ever had one of "those" days, when you're just like, "Why?". It started out with me getting really sick around 5 am this morn, and I was sick for a straight two hours then I finally drifted off to sleep. I slept for like an hour or so, and then had to get up and get ready for class. First of all, let's talk about "irony". So, i'm the FIRST person to tell anyone not to take an 8:30 am class, however, I have a 9:00 am class, but I need to get there around 8:45 am just to find a parking spot. I might as well have taken an 8:00 or 8:30 class!!!!

So, back to my story. Off to school I went and my first class wasn't SO bad but my second class, though, was a doozie! Chamber singers made me want to cry today. I felt so stupid and intimidated by my lack of vocal and theoretical prowess (in other words, I can't sight read and I don't even sing as good as the other people in my class!!!) I got really, really, really frustrated and just wanted to get up and walk out. I'm not used to being the novice when it comes to musical experience, and let me tell you it's NOT a good feeling. I felt like (though I cannot fully validate my statement) the girl next to me was talking to me like I was really stupid, and because of it I felt really stupid. I wanted to grab my things and RUN out of there; but I didn't. I stayed the entire time and suffered through an entire hour of utter humiliation. Oh yeah, and while I was feeling really bad, my phone rang in the middle of them going over parts! HOW EMBARRASSING. And you know what it really ironic and cruel, my phone is usually off during class, and even if it's not I usually CANNOT get a signal at all in the choir room. I mean I usually can't get a signal in the entire performing arts part of the building. What are the chances...

Antiways after the class I bolted to my car and called my sister, who gave me some great encouragement. I talked to Nike for a little bit too, and who in the world can still be upset after talking to sweet Nike?

Fundamentals of Music was my next class, and it wasn't much better. I have the hardest times counting out dotted rhythms and sixteenth notes. Another frustrating situation that made me want to cry. Actually I think just the culmination of the morning's experience, and the afternoon experience left me rather weepy. To add to it, by the afternoon I had started feeling really sick again. So, after this second class I decided to follow my motto, "When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping!" I stopped by the mall because that almost always makes me feel better. There I obtained some new pj's and some bath stuff. On my way home from the mall I stopped at the grocery store, because I was running low on grocery. Besides, I figured it was time for me to eat a good meal. My mother has been reprimanding me over the last few days because I keep calling her and complaining of how sick I feel and she'll pray with me and give me a good talking to about my eating habits! I must say I agree with her. So, I bought some grocery, came home started making dinner and got REALLY sick. Where is your mom when you need her???? Far away, in another city. Once again I called Mom, and in her loving way she gave me a good reprimand and talking to about my eating habit, sleep habits and study habits, and then she offered prayer! After talking to her I drank a little tea, and ate some Chicken Noodle Soup (I made it from scratch and it was DELICIOUS, almost just like Mom's) and after a little while I started feeling better. Whew, this day has left me rather tired and emotionally spent I must say.

Oh, but let me say this too. On my way home from the grocery store I was listening to the radio and the scripture of the day was Psalm 121:

1 [A Song of degrees.] I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. 2 My help cometh from the LORD, which made heaven and earth. 3 He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber. 4 Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep. 5 The LORD is thy keeper: the LORD is thy shade upon thy right hand. 6 The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night. 7 The LORD shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul. 8 The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore.

I was reminded of several things. The first being that the YP2 is currently learning the song "Psalm 121:My Help" and I was greatly encouraged by it in rehearsal on Friday night. Now the idea to start teaching this song came from several things, including a thought of the day email from Pastor Jennings a couple of weeks ago, a reading of this passage of scripture at church a week or so ago, hearing a song that used the same text two weeks ago, and encouraging word from my sister last week, and receiving a recap of the Youth Jubilee. All in all, I believe God is trying to drive home the point that, if I but ask for help he'll give it. Help with what? Everything! I definitely can't do well in my theory, music or any other class without his help. Trying to do things in my own strength just begets frustration and defeat. So before I get anymore frustrated, I've decided to just ask for help of the one who can really help me. I can get tutors in the various subjects (and I might actually try), but I also believe that God can open up my understanding and help me in ways that no one else can. So at the end of the day, my frustrations have passed, because i've decided to just ask for help, in faith believing that he'll do just that.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God...

Truer words have never been spoken...


Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear,our presence automatically liberates others.

a return to love - marianne williamson

Why do people say the things that they say?

I wonder why people think it's funny or appropriate to tell me things like, "Oh, for all I know your name might be Shaniqua."

I had someone tell me that yesterday, and I responded firmly, "No, my name is NOT Shaniqua, it's Jackie. In fact I don't know ANYONE by the name of Shaniqua!" Some people can really make foolish and ignorant comments. I guess people try to relate to what they think they know of you. Based on....what? But all they are able to see is that I'm black, so they automatically think that the only way to say hello to me is by saying "Whaaasssssuuuuuppp!" or "What-up Girl" (Yeah, he did that too). As if I am supposed to appreciate them "coming down" to my level and speaking in my simple vernacular. Why can't people simply talk to me as a person, without adding in all of their foolish idealogies and assumptions of "what I must be". I speak English, and try to not butcher it up, so very rarely I'll say things like, "Whatchall be doin..." (What do ya'll be doin). I really want to tell people, "Soooooo, when you talk to me please feel free to talk regular English, because I will understand. And if I don't understand, I'll use context clues!!!"

Or, I get this a lot. I'll tell someone I go to church, and they automatically start telling me about an experience that they've had at a "Baptist" church and how the just loved it and how the music was so good, and how it was really exciting and different and blah, blah, blah. "Hmmm...," I'd say to myself, "I don't go to a Baptist church, I don't sing the same kind of music that they sing at a Baptist church, SO, I really can't relate."

Or worse, someone asking me to give them the "Black Perspective". For instance, I had a professor one time who wanted my opinion on how I felt about Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. I really wonder what they expect me to say. Don't people realize that being "Black" is only a PART of my identity, not my total identity. So, if/when I give my perspective on ANYTHING, it usually is derived from my view of things as:

1.) A Christian
2.) A Woman
3.) A sister
4.) A Daughter
5.) A Friend
6.) A Black person
7.) An educated person
8.) An Artist

... and I can go on and on all day, listing the various aspects of "Me" that shape my perspective. First and foremost, before I can give my perspective on ANYTHING, I have to make sure it's in line with the word of God and that what i'm saying is pleasing to God's ear. Why don't people get that?