And said, By myself have I sworn, saith the LORD, for because thou hast done this thing, and hast not withheld thy son, thine only son: That in blessing I will bless thee, and in multiplying I will multiply thy seed as the stars of the heaven, and as the sand which is upon the sea shore; and thy seed shall possess the gate of his enemies; And in thy seed shall all the nations of the earth be blessed; because thou hast obeyed my voice.So, I want to take a little time today, to share my testimony of how very grateful I am for the wonderful blessings of God. 2007 has been QUITE a year! God has been challenging me to trust him like I never have before. I’ve been encouraged to cast myself at the mercy of God and to make myself vulnerable in certain situations by exercising my faith, and trust that God was leading me to an expected end. Last year, I believe the Lord told me, in regards to a specific area in my life, to “pursue, and you will without fail recover all”. So, after being out of school for approximately one year, and having littered in my past so many disappointments and failings in regards to my college career, I decided to make that move and start the application process. This time however I was going after my passion. Timeout for trying to get a degree, JUST to say I had one. My passion was/is music, and perfecting myself as a music educator, and I was tired of holding myself back due to lack of confidence in my present ability. So, I applied at two schools Columbia College and the University of St. Francis. To make a long story short, the University of St. Francis did NOT except me because my GPA was too low at DePaul and because I needed to take a specific class. Also at the time I was working downtown Chicago, and was advised NOT to quit my job. I was instructed to work things out so that I could keep my job, and take classes in the evening or on the weekend. Not exactly what I expected. I expected God to OPEN the door and provide a way for me to go to school full-time and be able to live on my own (either off campus or on campus). Impossible, yes, but we know that with God ALL things are possible.
Why did i have NERVE, the AUDACITY to think such a thing? Well, I was sitting on the bus one day fretting about how things were going to work out and God brought to my mind the passage of scripture that says,
Then Jesus said to his disciples: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[b]? 26Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? "Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith!
Well, I looked out of the window of the bus, and there on the grass in Grant Park were these black crows. They were just going about their morning business, digging for worms and scavenging for food. Ok, so they weren’t RAVENS, but it was a black bird, so it caught my attention. And I started thinking about a time previously when I had received a bunch of Lilies for my birthday. The year previously one of my bosses had given me Lilies, and thus began my love for them. They are such a strong, fragrant and beautiful flower. Around the time I received the flowers, I was at a point in my job where I was feeling that I had missed a few opportunities for promotion, but I was also feeling like I need to move up. In fact one of my former co-workers informed me, that the reason she was hesitant to apply for a certain job was because she felt for sure that I would be applying. Well, the thought never even CAME to me to apply, until after someone was already occupying the position. And knowing how our department was run, I was SURE that it would be a long time that a promotion would come available that would be a sensible move for me. I felt as if I had missed and opportunity, but at the same time I told the Lord, "God, I don't want to be and Admin for the rest of my life." Not that there is anything wrong with being an administrative assistant, I felt i needed a bit more of a challenge. No sooner than I had made my request know to God, in fact that same afternoon, I found out that one of co-workers was leaving and I had an opportunity to move into her vacated position. Well, I believe that God used Lilies to let me know that he would take care of me (at that time the same scripture came to mind about consider the Lilies). Well, anyhow, that day on the bus I was SO encouraged, and could see in my minds eye myself working in the field that it looked like he was going to open for me. And I just KNEW he was going to work things out so that I could just focus on school without distraction. Well, as I said before, when I sought counsel on the matter I was told to NOT quit my job, but to try to work my school schedule around my work schedule. Although I did not see how I could be successful and do that, I decided to just simply obey counsel. And so I did.
The first semester at Columbia College came and went and was a complete disaster. My schedule was as follows, Monday through Friday, work ALL day, Saturday classes were from 10 am until 6 pm, Sunday church was an ALL DAY affair, my church/choir duties increased. Needless to say, half way through the semester I burned out, I mean completely choked. And you know what I did? I QUIT! Halfway through, I just stopped! I felt as if I could NOT go on any further, and gave in to my feelings and stopped. I had disappointed myself ANOTHER time. ANOTHER TIME, I did not have what it took to get the job done. Talk about frustration. I mean, all this time I’ve been saying that this was the opportunity I had been waiting for, only to get to that point and fail again? I was so discouraged.
Now, on top of this I was working and desiring, and mainly feeling like it was time for me to move out on my own. I had so many PERFECT living arrangements and opportunities in my hand that seemed to slip through as “grains of sand”. And to add to it, things at the job were getting PRETTY scary. While my boss was out on maternity leave, I had to take on new responsibility and maintain my regular work. WOW! October through December 2006, I faced so many disappointing situations, and honestly, looking back I don't know how I made it out with even HALF of my right mind.
Well, 2007 dawned. And I had to once again, find courage to get up and try again. The enemy was there, just like the song says “Reminding me of all the times I’d tried before and failed. The waves they keep on telling me time and time again, GIRL, you’ll NEVER WIN. You’ll NEVER WIN!” Why even try again? Why? I was embarrassed, disappointed, discouraged, and was FEELING (please understand the operative word is "FEELING") like I was only going to fail again. (Don't get scared now, there is some victory to come!) Well, through my tears and disappointments, I decided to get up and try another time. It wasn’t with a happy and gleeful heart, nor can I say I had all the confidence in the world. I told myself, I was going to try it just ONE more time. And if this time fails, I’ll give it up.
Ok, now my mind is made up to try again, but I find that I have the problem of lack of funds. Lord! What to do??? Well, I remember going out one day during my lunch to get my hair done, and on my way back I took a cab. Now, it is very rare that you find a black woman cab driver in Chicago, but that’s what I got that day. I got into the cab, and she was listening to the local gospel station, and of the few songs i liked was on. So i sat there and kind of hummed along to the song as we made the short trip back to the office. Upon arrival and before getting out of the cab the lady turns to me and says, “I have a word from the Lord. When you get a chance read…” It must have been Luke 12 or a corresponding chapter in one of the other Gospels (you know how the Gospels kind of repeat each other a little…). All I know is that when I got back to my office, I read the chapter and it was the same thing God had told me that day on the bus, when he told me to pursue and promised to take care of me. So, I sat in my office and prayed that the Lord give me direction. And he did, he told me EXACTLY how to get the funds. I thought for a moment that it was a looooongggg shot. I thought for SURE it would not work out, but I decided to "try the spirit", and if the Lord says do it this way, well I’m going to do it that way. And when I did my part, he did his. So, back to school I went, more resolved and determined than ever. This time I worked hard, and when I got to the point where I was feeling the burn out and like giving up I PRESSED over it. I kept striving.
Not only was I back in school, but God had opened a door for me to move out on my own. Now, I must say that this is one of the first times where I had to make a big decision, full aware that my parents did not totally agree. But, God was telling me to MOVE. The way things worked out, was TOTALLY God. I was willing and able to surrender it, but GOD made a way, when I had no way. So, I moved out to Joliet, while working and going to school in Chicago. Talk about a challenge and an expensive challenge at that.
I felt the pressure, but God sustained me. After working HARD all semester, I came to the end and that dreadful word, FINALS! And right at finals, things got crazy. I just did NOT have the proper time to study like I needed to. I studied as much as I could and armed with faith I went and took my finals. Would you believe, the very first final I took was in Music theory, the class that related to my major, the class that I had invested so much time in, I completely FAILED the first part of the test. The test was two parts, one written and one performance. Completely bombed it! I walked out so frustrated, almost to the point where I didn't even want to TAKE the final in the second class, because I DEFINITELY felt that I did not have the command of that material. As I walked to the other building I’m feeling like giving up again. I’m feeling like, things are just as they were before. EVERY TIME I try, I FAIL! Why do I keep trying???
Well, I guess I had enough of giving into my feelings so, I decided to press over my feelings and take the other final. I'll have you know that I passed with flying colors. Well a few days later I had to take the second part of the final that I had previously failed. My first inclination, as you probably figured out by now, was to skip the second part altogether. I felt that the second part was so EASY that it could not possibly be weighted enough to make a difference to my test grade, let alone my overall grade. But, I’ve been focusing on myself lately. Getting rid of the OLD me, and where at one point I would have given in to my inclination, my challenge was to keep STRIVING!!! I had been working so hard on exercising faith in God, to do the seemingly impossible. So I did. And you know what happened? I PASSED. As it turns out, the second part saved my grade! I escaped with an A and a B+ in my classes.
Well, thank God for that victory, but the battle wasn’t over. While striving so hard to do well in school, and due to other complications, things at work had begun to crumble. At one point, I KNEW that a case was being built up against me, but because they would not communicate with me, I just had to sit back and watch the wall is it was built. There were times when I wanted to say something, but I felt the Holy Spirit tell me to wait. The trouble had actually started the fall of ’06, and had really begun to build up between March-May ’07. I tell you for a certainty, some people meant things for my evil, but God meant it for my good. I just waited on God. There were times when I felt the pressure and I was like, “I need to find a new job.” But at one point God told me, stop even sending out resumes, and NOT to quit my job. So I obeyed and continued to wait. Well, as it turned out our company went through a merger and my position got eliminated. I am so happy that I waited on God. Why, you may ask, seeing as how I was laid off anyway? Well, if I had just quit I would not be in the timing that God had ordained for me, more than likely I would have been stuck at a job that caused me much misery and pain. Kind of like, creating an Ishmael, because I was unwilling to wait on Israel, the promise of God. Also, I would not have been eligible for the severance and payouts that I received. So, anyway, my last day of work was June 30th.
This is just bringing you to where I am today. Prior to being laid off I had been watching a certain website
www.meritmusic.org for jobs. They are a community music school that offers QUALITY music education to under-privileged youth at little to no cost. TOTALLY WHAT I WANT TO DO EVENTUALLY. Well anyway, in fall of ’06 I was sent a job posting from their website that I did not apply for, because I felt that I did not have enough credentials for the position. So, for lack of confidence I did not capitalize on the opportunity. Well, after I missed that opportunity I regretted it and started going faithfully to the site to look for positions. I had started going EVERYDAY around April and May of this year. And the day that I found out that I would lose my job, I sent to the website and lo and behold, WOW, the very position that I had passed up last year, was available again. So, I applied. While trembling and a little doubtful, but resolved, I applied. That’s when the torture really began. All of my old fears and skepticism begin to rise up. Well, I had to settle it and settle it, I did. I let God know that I DID want that job, but if he decided NOT to give it to me I was still going to praise him. I had CONFIDENCE that if it were for me that it would come to pass, and if not then he had something greater for me. And if something greater did not come until 10 years down the line, I STILL love the Lord and am willing to follow you and serve you without bitterness. And shortly thereafter I got a call for my first interview. I interviewed and they told me that they’d call, if I had been selected for the second interview. About a week went by, and I was called in for the second interview, that I thought went MUCH better than the first. Now, let me tell you, on the first interview I went and completely fell in love with the facility, with the mission and I could actually see myself working there. Not only that, the time in which I would be able to start was perfect. It looked as if I would be able to take like 2 weeks off, attend the jubilee and then start my new job. The pay was considerably less than what I had been accustomed to making, but after a small struggle I submitted that to God and resolved to just keep faith in God that he would work it out, according to his will. Well, I waited, and waited. The time came and went in which they had promised to call concerning their final answer. So you know what I had to do in the meantime, SUBMIT IT TO GOD. I could not allow myself to fret, because even though I felt that it was mine, I had to consider that it may be in the mind of God to choose to go in a different direction. During that time, my heart was encouraged by the song that says “But if he chooses not to move, in the way I’ve prayed he would. I’m confident that it’s working all together for my good, and I will stand upon his word for he is able.” The time was drawing near for my departure from AHA, and I had hoped that I would leave them with something else in my hand. But it was not to be. But you know what happened, a few days before my last day; my dear wonderful mother went out to the farmer’s market and brought me back some flowers. Guess what kind? Lilies!!! She did it without really knowing what kind of flower it was, and how amazingly special they are to me. Well, that’s all I needed to know and be encouraged that God would take care of me. My last day came and went and that weekend I took a nice trip to OHIO, enjoyed a cool museum, went to a wedding, visited the saints and enjoyed the good Word of God while I was there. The Monday that I returned I finally got my call. They had selected someone else for the position. I cried, and was disappointed, but I did NOT charge God, foolishly. I had to submit my will and yield to him, again.
A few weeks went by, and I was sending out resumes and looking for jobs, only to be disappointed. I got turned down for a Receptionist position. I absolutely could NOT believe it, with all of my experience and education, I was turned down for a RECEPTIONIST position. Now that didn’t make me feel very good, but again, I had to yield myself to God’s control. Well, one day, I went back to the “Merit Music” website, and there was another position. You would think I had learned my lesson right? Well, I thought about it and said, “Hey, what do I have to lose?” So I applied for that position as well. I do believe that it was God’s will for me to apply, but not so that I would get the job, but as an act of faith. I was willing to make myself vulnerable to another "no" and live with it.
But then God quietly whispered to me, “Jackie, I know you want to work at Merit, because you HAVE to work somewhere and Merit is the ideal place for what you want to do. But what is your ultimate request, what is it that you REALLy want? If you could have one thing what would it be?”Well, Lord, my ultimate request has never really changed. Though I knew I didn’t deserve it, and though it may not really be necessary or feasible in the eyes of some people, I still desired, above all else to have an opportunity to focus on school. My earnest desire was to be able to go to school full-time without feeling the pressure of a full-time job and running here and there. I realize that I’m not a teen anymore, and that I’ve missed that critical time in my life to go to school unburdened, but if you could work it out, I would be ever so grateful.
Then I started thinking, “Where should I go Lord?” I was enrolled at Columbia, so I figured that was the place where he wanted me to be. But also, I knew that at Columbia, I would only be able to get a music performance degree and then after obtaining that I would have to go elsewhere to get my teaching certification, etc… Also, by this time I living in Joliet, and I was still considering if I were to find a job in or around Joliet, I would need to be in a comfortable distance from my school, so that it would not be difficult to take evening classes. On the flipside, what happens if I find a job in Chicago, and I’ve already made the move to a school in Joliet? And to top it all St. Francis denied me last year, who’s to say that they will accept me now? Where will the money come from?
Lord, I had TOO many questions. Well, what happened was, while I was still THINKING about it, I got an email from the head of the Music Department at USF. I hadn’t talked to him in @ a year’s time, since like March of ’06. And he wanted to know if I were interested in attending the University of St. Francis. I didn’t know what to say, so by faith I told him, yes I was. Still not sure of how things would work out. Well, over the last couple of weeks, I’ve met with him and Clarice (my old voice teacher from High School, who just happend to be at USF and who also helped to develop the music program there) and was informed that they would be glad to have me in their music program. Well praise the Lord! Only, I hadn’t been accepted in the school yet. But according to my faith, I started looking for school money.One day, I was on my way home the Lord spoke quietly to me “try this”. I was very skeptical, because it was not my first choice as to getting funds, and secondly I thought for sure the answer would be a big fat NO! But, once again, I decided to try the spirit. I’m going to throw myself out on the mercy of God, and if it’s his desire it would come to pass. Well I tried it and much to my surprise, the answer was YES! WHAT!?!?!?!!? Now I just had to wait to see if I get accepted. Well, I got my call and letter that I had been accepted into the school. I start next week! What does this mean? God has turned my situation around and given me the desire of my heart. For at least one semester, I’ll be able to go to school, keep my apartment and my car, and not have to slave away at someone’s job. Glory to God! And you know what my confidence is, if he can do it for one semester, he can do it again and again and again until I graduate. And greater still, if he doesn’t, I can EXPECT him to do greater than what I can ask and think if I am only willing and to trust and obey. I am soooooo excited about the good things God is doing my life. He told me, he was going to give me an expected end, and I’m so glad I held fast to confidence and waited and trusted in God.
I am also glad for the lessons i've learned during this trial. Would you like to know one of the biggest lessons i've learned? That "feelings" do not always speak the truth. Our feelings are ALWAYS speaking to us and trying to dictate to us how we should respond in certain situations. But thank God for truth and faith! When my feelings, are contrary to what God wants me to believe, I can overlook them and simply launch out on God and see him make a way.
Also, I (we) have what the world calls "failings" in my past, but I don't have to live there. I can remember the events of my past, but I certainly can't live in the past and let the past orchestrate my present or my future. And sometimes, what we see as "failings" God sees as part of his plan. I cannot measure my experience or my life according to the world's standards or even according to the standards of my parents or of my closest friends. I just want to know, "Right now Lord, am I in the center of your will?" If so, then I am content to dwell here. Knowing that my life is in your hands, my future is in your hands and that you are not through with me yet. There is still so much to be written to the life of Jacqueline A. Larry, and by God's grace I'm going to see this story until the end.
